How to Love Better
这本书没有中译本，啃一下顺便学学英语吧~
00 引言 INTRODUCTION: OUR STORY
The three biggest green flags aregrowth, kindness, and compassion.If they are consistently kind，if they care about growing，and if they can see beyondtheir own perspective，then this is someone worthyour time and energy.
最重要的三个积极信号是成长、善良和同理心。如果对方始终友善，重视自我成长，并且能跳出自身视角去思考，那么这个人值得你投入时间和精力。
确实这三点是很宝贵的品质。而且现在自己的看法，这三个品质也不是一个固定词语或数值的概念，都是阶段性有发展潜力的。经历一些思考或事件后，这些品质也会得到打磨淬炼，会比之前更有容量和深度
比如善良不等同于一直妥协、献祭，而是在看见真实的对方后、看见边界后依然坚守的那份温和。而且，也需要对自己善良，有善意，接纳自己。边界不是善良的对立面，善良不需要已透支自己为代价，选择保护自己，也是善良。
同理心也不是固定不变的，经历过视角错位并且看见这错位后，才会去看见和理解对方，去思考如何在理解对方和尊重自己之间找个平衡。也需要看见自己，安抚自己，慢慢建立内在安全感（涉及到自我慈悲理论，后面在其他书籍中深入了解）
至于“值得投入的时间与精力”这个说法，感觉有一点点功利，自己更觉得这是一份珍贵的生命体验，不管结局如何，都应该珍惜当下，值得去用心对待
Deep love is not easy because it contains so much. It is full of disagreements, howling laughter, hard conversations, genuine care, plenty of tears, undeniable joy, and the feeling of being truly seen. You don’t get the good without the tough stuff that helps you both grow.
深爱并非易事，因为它承载着太多。 其中充满了分歧、开怀大笑、艰难的对话，真挚的关怀，无数的泪水，不可否认的喜悦，以及被真正看见的感觉。 没有那些帮助你们共同成长的艰难时刻，就无法获得美好的结果。
It’s a total lie that relationships are supposed to be easy. You have to learn how to love each other well while the relationship shines a mirror on the ways you each need to grow. This is a big challenge to accept.
所谓“关系本来就应该很轻松、容易”的说法纯属谎言 在关系中，你们必须学会如何更好的相爱，同时让这段关系成为一面镜子，照亮彼此需要成长的方向。 接受这一点是一个巨大的挑战
You know the connection is special when the person who wants to be with you also understands that they need to put energy into learning how to love you well. They know that love is not automatic; instead it comes from deep listening and doing their best to meet your preferences in a way that feels genuine.
当你发现那个想和你在一起的人，也明白自己需要投入精力去学习如何好好爱你时，你就会知道这份联结是特别的 她们深知爱并非自然而然的，而是源于深度倾听，并且尽最大努力以真诚的方式满足你的需求和偏好
Our relationship today is not perfect. We still argue and disagree from time to time, but now we have the inner fortitude to hold each other with compassion as we process what we feel. Arguments no longer turn into full-blown hurricanes, instead they become opportunities for both of us to take turns listening so that we can try to see beyond our own perspectives and get to the real root of what is upsetting us. We do not expect our relationship to be endlessly peaceful and joyous, but we do now have the tools to navigate the challenging moments more smoothly and quickly.
如今我们的关系并非完美。我们依然会时不时地争执和意见不合，但现在我们拥有了内在的坚韧，能在彼此感受时，以同理心相互扶持。争执不再演变成狂风暴雨，反而成为我们轮流倾听的机会，让我们尝试超越自身的视角，找到真正困扰我们的根源。我们并不期待这段关系永远充满和平和喜悦，但现在我们已经掌握了工具，能够更从容、更快速地应对度过那些艰难有挑战的时刻。
—we move through them on a daily basis, we struggle with them, we enjoy them, and we learn from them. The purpose of this book revolves around the fact that even though we are familiar with our own emotional ranges, we can benefit from improving our understanding of ourselves and how we relate to what we feel. In the act of knowing yourself better, you will be able to love your partner better and allow the vehicle of love to propel your personal growth. Love and growth need to go hand in hand for harmony to be a real possibility in a partnership.
——我们每天都在经历这些情绪，与之抗争，享受其中，并从中学习、汲取教训。这本书的核心围绕着一个事实：尽管我们熟悉自己的情感范围，但若能够更深入地理解自己，以及我们与自身感受的关联互动方式，我们必将获益匪浅。在更深入地了解自我的过程中，你能够更好地爱自己的伴侣，并让爱成为推动你个人成长的动力。唯有让爱与成长齐头并进相辅相成，亲密关系才能真正实现和谐。
Love has the shape and feel of water. It is simultaneously flexible and powerful. It can adapt and roar;it can also be silently nourishing.
爱有着水的形态和质感。它既柔韧又强大。它既能顺应万物，也能咆哮；也能默默滋养。
Instead of looking for someone who is “perfect”, look for someone who is not scared of growing. The beginnings of relationships are not always smooth. Even when the connection is strong you still have to intentionally learn how to love each other well.
与其寻找一个“完美”的人，不如寻找一个不害怕成长的人。关系的开端不总是顺遂。即使彼此羁绊深厚，两人仍需有意识地去学习如何好好相爱。
01 How to Help Love Flow 如何让爱流动
The deep truth is that most human beings do not arrive into a relationship unscathed from the ups and downs of life. Fromchildhood to adulthood, life leaves its mark on your mind many times over,and these marks morph into patterns that are often coping mechanisms or defensive tactics you picked up while you were in survival mode. The hurt you have accumulated ultimately shapes the way you perceive reality and can even form walls that have to be broken down so you can fully love yourself and others.
一个深刻的真相是：绝大多数人在步入一段关系时，都已经经历人生的起起落落，身上带着伤痕。从童年到成年，生活在你的心灵上留下了无数印记，这些印记逐渐演变成某种模式——往往是你处于生存模式时习得的应对机制或防御策略。你积累的伤痛最终塑造了你感知现实的方式，甚至可能筑起高墙，而要真正爱自己和他人，就必须打破这些高墙。
To be able to love your partner well, a deep reckoning needs to happen where you realize that how you love and heal yourself has a direct connection to how you show up in your relationship. The relationship between you and yourself has a clear impact on the relationship between you and your partner. If you want to love your partner better, then you need to develop a two-pronged approach:
- Improving your relationship with yourself by letting go of the heaviness that your mind carries
- Working to outwardly shift your behaviors so they can be more conducive to a harmonious relationship
要想好好爱你的伴侣，你需要进行一次深刻的自我审视，意识到你如何爱自己、治愈自己，与你在关系中展现出的样子有着直接的联系。你与自己的关系，显然会影响你与伴侣的关系。如果你想更好地爱你的伴侣，那么你需要采取双管齐下的方法：
- 通过放下心中沉重的负担，改善你与自我的关系
- 努力改变外在行为，使其更有利于建立和谐的关系
Love is not easy, and it is honestly a lot of work. Love is a powerful mirror where you cannot help but see yourself clearly; it will show you how you have grown, and it will show you in which direction you need to grow next. Being in a relationship is not about living in a constant stream of pleasure. Even the healthiest relationships will be full of ups and downs and unforeseen challenges. A relationship should certainly provide comfort, joy, and a sense of safety, but it should also become fuel for your evolution. Once you embrace your growth, the new harmony that starts flowing within you will help support the harmony in your relationship.
爱并非易事，说实话，它需要付出很多努力。爱是一面强大的镜子，让你不由自主地看清自己；它会让你看到自己的成长，也会指引你接下来该朝哪个方向成长。恋爱并非意味着沉浸在无尽的欢愉之中。即便的最健康的关心，也会充满起起落落和意想不到的挑战。一段关系固然应该带来慰藉、喜悦和安全感，但同时也应当成为你成长的动力。一旦你拥抱这种成长，内心涌现出的全新和谐，将有助于维系你们关系中的和谐。
The key to harmony in a relationship is finding a balance between making sure that your genuine needs are met, and establishing clear and voluntary commitments that help support each other’s happiness. You both know that you cannot directly make the other happy because happiness is something that emerges from your personal mindset, but together you can create the conditions and environment where it is easier to feel joy and fulfillment in each other’s presence. A partnership can bring so much delight into your life, but only you can clarify your perspective so you can let joy in and experience happiness more often.
关系和谐的关键在于，在确保自身真实需求得到满足的同时，建立清醒且自愿的承诺，以此共同维护彼此的幸福。你们都明白，无法直接让对方感到快乐，因为幸福源于你个人的心态，但你们可以共同营造一种氛围和环境，让彼此在对方身边更容易感受到喜悦与满足。一段伴侣关系能为你的生活带来无尽的喜悦，但唯有你自己才能厘清自己的心态，从而敞开心扉迎接喜悦，并更频繁地体验幸福。
If you think a relationship is meant to be an escape or that it should only be blissful, then you’re missing the point.Love is soft and nourishing,but it is also hard and revealing. It will show you the sides ofyourself that you need to work on.
如果你认为一段关系知识为了逃避，或者认为它理应只有幸福，那么你就误解了它的意义。爱是温柔而滋养的，但同时也是充满挑战且发人深省。它会让你看到自己需要改进的一面。
When an argument is happening, you may have to remind yourself that your partner is not your enemy, it is not you versus them, it is actually the two of you versus your different understandings or miscommunication.
当争执发生时，你或许需要提醒自己，伴侣并不是敌人，这不是你与他对立，而是你们两人共同面对理解差异或沟通障碍的挑战。
It is easy to get stuck in a mode where we often give our partners the hardest parts of ourselves. They see us when we are most angry or upset, and really this is because we feel so comfortable around them that we can finally put our guard down and be the realest version of ourselves. Our partners see us when we are dejected and exhausted, they see the toughest parts of our character, and this is actually a beautiful thing, that we can be vulnerable with them, but it needs to be balanced so they can enjoy the best parts of us too.
我们很容易陷入一种模式，即总是向伴侣展现自己最艰难的一面。他们看到的是我们最愤怒或最沮丧时的样子，而这其实是我们在他们身边感到无比自在，终于能够卸下防备，展现最真实的自己。当我们沮丧疲惫时的样子，目睹我们性格中最坚韧的一面。这其实是一件美好的事情，我们能在他们面前展现脆弱，但这需要保持平衡，让他们也能欣赏到我们最美好的一面。
In the same way that we can show our partner the rawest parts of our emotions, we should be intentional about treating them with kindness so that the relationship isn’t overwhelmed with down moments.
正如我们可以向伴侣展现最原始的情感一样，我们也应当有意识地以善意对待对方，以免关心被消极情绪所淹没。
One of the best ways to love your partner better is by embracing growth and development as a lifelong journey. When you have the humility to realize that there is so much for you to learn and that you can benefit greatly from stepping outside of your comfort zone, your personal evolution will come more naturally.
更好地爱伴侣的最好方式之一，就是拥抱成长与发展视为一生的旅程。当你怀着谦逊的态度意识到自己还有太多需要学习，并且明白走出舒适区可以受益良多时，你的个人成长便会水到渠成。
This ability to welcome growth into your life is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and your partner. No one enters a relationship fully healed, completely wise, or perfect in their ability to love. Real love requires learning, adapting, letting go, and reaching new levels of peace and understanding.
这种接纳成长的能力，是你能送给自己和伴侣的最珍贵的礼物之一。没有人能够带着完全治愈、完全睿智或者完美无缺的爱的能力进入一段关系。真正的爱需要学习、适应、放下，达到新的平和与理解的境界。
Especially when you are looking for a serious relationship, this quality is the greenest of green flags. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes, but finding someone who takes responsibility and is open to correcting their mistakes and expanding beyond their old limits shows they are more likely to have the inner strength and skills to get through the hard moments of a relationship.
尤其是当你在寻找一段认真的关系时，这种品质是最积极的信号。没有人是完美的，每个人都会犯错，但找到一个愿意承担责任、乐于改正错误并突破旧有局限的人，往往意味着对方更可能具备内在力量与能力，能够度过关系中的艰难时刻。
When both partners embrace growth, the real magic of a relationship flourishes. Without this quality, moments of difficulty in the relationship become roadblocks that you can’t get around. With this quality you can see the difficulty, examine why it is there, understand your separate roles in this challenge,and cultivate new qualities that can help you persevere and reach a new level.
当双方都拥抱成长时，一段关系的真正魔力便会绽放。若缺乏这种特质，关系中的困难时刻便会成为无法逾越的障碍，拥有这种特质，你们就能正视困难，探究其根源，理解彼此在挑战中的角色，并培养新的品质，帮助你们坚持不懈，迈向新的高度。
Love is not static; it flows. Love loves change. When you can each accept that you are ever-changing beings, it makes it easier to adapt when your preferences and understandings evolve as you spend time together. Who you are when you first start your relationship is not who you will be as your relationship moves forward in the river of time. Change is bound to happen, and if you let it, it can make your love even stronger.
爱不是一成不变、静止的；它是流动的。当你们都能接受自己是一直在变化的个体时，随着相处时间的推移，当你们的喜好和认知理解会发生变化，适应起来也会更加容易。彼此初识时的你，不是在时间长河中前行的你。变化是不可避免的，如果你愿意接纳它，它反而能让你们的爱变得更加坚固。
This makes sense when you realize that your relationship will go through different chapters and how you love each other in one chapter may shift in another. Your commitment to growth will smooth the transition from one way of loving each other into another. Especially if you are together for years or decades, the way you show love to each other will need to adapt to meet your evolving preferences. Human beings are innately change oriented; whether the changes are small or large, they are always happening.
当你意识到你们的关系将经历不同的篇章，而且在某一个篇章中彼此相爱的方式可能会在另一个篇章中发生转变时，这一点就显得很有意义了。你们对共同成长的承诺，将使彼此相爱的方式从一种转变转为一种更自然顺畅的方式。特别是如果你们在一起多年或者数十年，你们表达爱意的方式就需要调整，来适应你们不断变化的偏好。人类天生就倾向于发展变化；无论这些变化是微小还是重大，它们都在时刻发生着。
So much of the media and fairy tales around love hide the reality that love takes a lot of intentional work to make it vibrant.Two people can feel love for each other, but more of us are understanding that it takes time to really learn how to care for each other. We are also learning how important it is to know ourselves more deeply so our past doesn’t stop us from loving our partner fully. Love doesn’t immediately create a home; it has to be carefully and intentionally constructed by two patient people who feel safe to be their most real selves with each other. Love is a journey.
媒体和童话故事中关于爱的诸多描述，往往掩盖了一个事实：要让爱充满活力，需要付出大量有意识的努力。两个人可以彼此相爱，但越来越多的人开始明白，真正学会如何关爱对方需要时间。我们也在领悟，更深入地了解自己有多么重要，这样我们的过去才不会阻碍我们全心全意地爱伴侣。爱不会立刻筑起一个家；它必须由两个耐心的人精心且有意识地去构建，他们彼此之间感到安全，可以展示最真实的自己。爱是一段旅程。
Everyone enters relationships with a multitude of imperfections.Depending on the person and their emotional history, there can be a wide range of internal matters that are unresolved: hurt from the past, negative behavior patterns, unrealistic expectations, fears— there are so many things that can form blockages in the flow of love and make it more difficult for us to connect deeply.
每个人在进入一段关系时，都带着诸多不完美。根据个人的不同及其情感经历，内心可能存在着各种各样未解决的问题：过去的伤痛、消极的行为模式、不切实际的期望、恐惧——有太多东西会阻碍爱的流动，使我们难以建立深层的联结。
In many ways, a relationship is an opportunity to learn how to love better. When we accept this framework, it becomes easier to use the lessons that arise to transform our behavior, for our own benefit and for the benefit of our partner. Even though love comes with its challenges, the depth of the connection creates an immediate incentive to try to work on ourselves so that we can treat our partners better and give the relationship a better chance to thrive.
从许多方面来看，一段关系正是学习如何更好地去爱的契机。当我们接受这一框架时，便更容易利用其中浮现的启示来转变自己的行为，这既有益于我们自身，也有益于伴侣。尽管爱伴随着种种挑战，但这种深厚的联结会立即激励我们努力完善自我，从而更好地对待伴侣，并为这段关系创造更美好的发展机会。
Nine Strategies That Can Help You Love Better
When both of you take your healing seriously, the relationship wins.You both carry baggage from the past.Even if you haven’t experienced deep trauma, there are still tendencies and patterns that have developed over time because the way you react accumulates in the mind. Through learning how to let go, you can stop past unproductive patterns from taking over. Developing your self-love is the necessary foundation that will support all relationships in your life. It is not selfish to learn what you need to do to take care of yourself and consistently put it into action so you can show up as the best version of yourself. Remember, you and your partner may need different healing tools, but make sure that you are using something that is genuinely making you more self-aware and mentally lighter.
当你们双方都认真对待自我疗愈时，这段关系会受益。你们都背负着过去的包袱。即使没有经历过深刻的创伤，随着时间的推移，某些倾向和模式依然会逐渐形成，因为你们的反应会在心中不断累积。通过学习如何放下，可以阻止过去那些无益的模式占据上风。培养自爱是支撑你生命中所有关系的必要基石。了解自己需要做什么来照顾自己
Enter the relationship knowing that you will have to grow to make it work. Embracing your imperfections is a superpower that opens the door to personal evolution.
Everything is not always their fault. Tension can easily twist your reasoning and make you place all the blame on your partner whenever conflict arises.
In the midst of an argument, remember that this is the person you love, and they are not your enemy. Your past can cloud your perception and make you become hyper defensive. Learn how to pull yourself out of survival mode. Being able to ground yourself can help you let go of anger and move from having an argument to simply hearing each other’s side of the story so you can find a healthy middle ground. Reframe your idea of an argument from a battle to an opportunity that helps you understand each other better.
If you both focus on giving, you will each receive more. This one only works if both people are truly committed to taking care of their partner in multiple ways. Only with open hands can you give and receive; love is an active expression of this sentiment. The way you give to each other may not always look the same because each individual has different strengths and preferences.
Move with honesty and gentleness. The truth, even when it is hard to give or receive, will ultimately bring you closer together. Lies and withheld truths create blockages in your connection. Truth should be delivered in a compassionate and skillful manner. Speaking to each other with gentleness, even when you are in a tense moment, will help keep you both levelheaded.
Ask each other “How can I love you better?” and act on it. It is helpful to get new information from your partner directly because, just like you, they are an ever-changing being. Their preferences will slowly shift over time and knowing them can help you better offer support as they move through their ups and downs. Relationships go through seasons, so it’s good to check in regularly.
View each other as best friends; this will help with deep and enjoyable communication.
Love will always be about freedom. Healthy relationships will keep the feeling of freedom vibrant. Of course, you will design your life together and voluntarily commit to each other in ways that feel good to both of you, but neither partner should ever feel coerced or like they don’t have a say in how they live their life. Ultimately, you are two individuals who are creating a home together, but you both still have your own lives to tend to. You are two streams that have chosen to flow together side by side. Loving each other better is about supporting each other’s happiness.